Let me explain y’all a thing. I know I always seem really proud to be from North Carolina, and being from a small town not too far from Mamrie’s hometown, but it wasn’t always that way. This has been on my mind a lot today, as I’ve been feeling rather lonely. See, there aren’t very many other Trinity fans in North Carolina, and the ones that are are just too far away to hang out with as desired. Also, the LGBTQ dating scene is kind of…lacking here. There is practically no community in my town. I mean, there are LGBTQ people here, but not many and there’s just no sense of community. I know a big reason is because it’s a small southern town, and most people in little towns such as this one are very religious and homophobic (usually. I did witness a beautiful moment the other day at Walmart). There are LGBTQ communities in surrounding neighborhoods, but seeing as I’ve not gotten close to anyone irl in a very long time, I’ve got no one to go to events with, and not knowing anyone in those towns, it’s not practical for me to move there. I talk to people at work, but I just laugh and joke, I don’t get close. Haven’t dared get close to anyone since high school.
I find I’ve always been terrified of talking to people. A lot of it stems from many insecurities, one being my accent. Yes, my accent is an insecurity for me. I’ve always hated the way I sound. I didn’t like talking to people out of state, especially, because I felt I sounded like I never passed 5th grade, even though I graduated high school, always made A’s and B’s and was very smart. Yet, I was still always embarrassed of my accent. When I joined Tumblr and started talking to more people from around the world, I hated my accent even more. I hated that everyone came from interesting places where they had cool things and the coolest thing in my town is Walmart. I was always ashamed of the fact, that even though I love my job, I literally work in healthcare for minimum wage, and I’d seemed to have just settled like everyone else in my town after high school. Only, without the being able to get married and have kids part. But like them, I felt I was never really going anywhere or achieving anything but living. Truth be told, I never thought I could be anything more, because who wants to read fictional novels by a dumb redneck from North Carolina?
But recently, I’ve come to terms with that part of me. Because it is, in fact, part of what makes up a whole. Where I’m from, my accent, my beliefs, how I was raised, how I perceive myself and my goals in life, it’s all part of the bigger picture that is me as a person. And just because I’m 25 doesn’t mean my chance of living out my dream has passed me by. There is no expiration date on success. Mamrie, like me, grew up in a small town in North Carolina, worked her butt off, and she still didn’t get YDAD to the full capacity it is until a year ago. She didn’t star or write her first movie til she was 29/30 years old. She took off to New York after college with $300 (which gets you NOTHING let me tell you) and a dream, and she chased it. But just because she is fast becoming one of the most popular internet celebrities, she has not forgotten where she came from. She is proud of her hometown. When her accent comes out, she doesn’t try and hide it. She owns who she is. 100%. And I’m slowly becoming more comfortable in my skin as well. As a southerner, a lesbian, and a…bigger person. And as for my dreams, I know with some coaching and determination (I’ve been in talks with Michelle Akin about life coaching because I feel like that could really help me), I can finish that book. And hopefully people will like it.
And through Mamrie, Hannah, and Grace, I have found a place I feel like I belong and a sense of community. Right here. I thank those girls every day for helping me find my friends, and helping me find a place where I truly felt at home. I love all of you so much. Thank you for being there with me for everything.
P.S. Yeah this is a long one…I’m sorry I just was thinking about this a lot today and wanted to share in case anyone else needed to hear it. <3
I don’t wanna get all mushy, but let be just say you are seriously the best Tabbs. I’ve always loved your accent and have always thought you sound intelligent. I’m 17 going on 18 and I’m scared as fuck of growing up. But seeing that you and a lot of other adults that still are trying to achieve their goals, still chasing their dreams, and not really knowing how adulthood works and stuff, it really makes me kinda feel like it’s not a bad thing to grow up. While some have their lives and dreams and things figured out, there’s just as many that don’t, and that is reassuring in a way that not knowing how to be a proper adult is perfectly ok and it makes for an incredible learning and growing experience. I wish you the best in having the life you want and achieving your goals Tabbs. I love ya, and keep up the awesome work! ^_^